Outside The Box

“Ne praesumas de crastino die, sed age recte hodie.”
(Presume not upon tomorrow, but act rightly today.)

The word “presume” is from the Latin praesumere, which means to “take in advance.” We use the word to mean assuming something is desirable or true based on probability, such as “I won’t presume to give you advice.” It can mean being audacious enough to do something, as in “I would never presume to tell you how to do your job.”

Nevertheless, since there is a small probability that my advice might be useful to someone, and considering I’m certainly audacious enough to express an opinion here on a regular basis, I will proceed to advise.

Tracey and I paused in a moment of gratitude for the enjoyment of each other’s company recently and agreed that the keystone to a long, successful marriage is to find a partner who makes you laugh. Almost everything else is secondary. Since that first moment I heard her voice from under a desk working on a computer and popped up like a prairie dog to see who it belonged to, we have been inseparable.

I won’t presume to list the other primary considerations because there are volumes of opinions you already know about love, trust, passion, and the rest, but allow me to offer a few hints on things you might not have considered now in this man-to-man section of our conversation.

If you’re an outdoor guy, you will benefit greatly from an outdoor shower. It does not matter whether you’re the one who does most of the mopping because your boots will never be clean enough, and the trail of sawdust from your work clothes to the bathroom is not conducive to marital bliss. Think also of the hours of precious time recovered by not having to clean up a steamy bathroom. A once-over with a hose or pressure washer every couple of weeks will keep your outdoor shower in top condition. And leave those boots by the back door.

Speaking of bathrooms, let me tell you about a little $4 device worth its weight in gold. Smaller than a deck of cards, it hangs inconspicuously over the toilet bowl. If you get up early in the morning to feel your way into the dark bathroom, it senses your presence and illuminates the bowl with a tiny, unobtrusive red light, ensuring optimal trajectory with precise impact on the target zone. This again recovers lost time for cleanup and avoids unpleasant discussions, all without waking anyone else.

I don’t expect you men to understand this next bit of wisdom any more than I do, but trust me on this. If there is a towel anywhere in the house that has anything written, stitched, or painted on it, never under any circumstances use that towel. Don’t touch it. Don’t even look at it. If the house is on fire and the towel is the only thing you have to beat it out, better to let it burn than to defile that towel.

Every marriage is as unique as a fingerprint, yet most successful ones share several common practices. Rub her feet. Perform random acts of kindness consistently. Avoid discussing upsetting matters during dinner or just before bedtime. Do not presume entitlement to that which should instead inspire gratitude, and seize every opportunity to share laughter. By adhering to these simple principles, the need for a marriage counselor, a talk show, or a self-help book may never be necessary.